k. wanna hear how bad i suck? wanna see a bad movie scene unfold before your eyes? who frickin' asks a fat girl if she's pregnant in real life? i do. and she was my waitress. we were thanking God we already had our food on the table. i felt stoned anyway all afternoon after i had gotten my facial. the lady must have hit some "i'm gonna make you feel whacked out of your mind" pressure points in my face when she was massaging it, cause i was in a funk all afternoon and night. and evidently the filter for my mouth was switched "off" last night too. she looked pregnant, not fat. pregnant i tell ya. everyone else thought so too. i was just the only retard retarded enough to ask ever so sweetly, "are you gonna have a baby?" she froze while picking up plates, "uh, no."
"Oh, God," my head and every one else's sinks into their plate. our faces redden like the spaghetti sauce sitting on our plates. "I suck, kill me now." Does any of my four girlfriends try to help dig their dying sister out of the hole she's in? No. They leave me there in the seemingly endless misery. Seconds seem like hours in moments like these. So I falter, stutter, blush, have tears welling in the corners of my eyes and say to make things better of course, "but you're cute as a button." Holy hell. Did I really just say that? I'm converting to Catholicism so that I may pay for penance. I need to buy my way out of this situation as no amount of grace is good enough for this idiot. Believe me when i say the tip i left was definitely more than my meal. Sorry, Erica. There goes your Christmas present this year...